So I decided that I wanted to start collecting and recording my thoughts on God, life, music, politics, current events, or whatever's on my mind. I've been telling myself for some time now that I should blog, if nothing else just for my own satisfaction.
So at long last, I've actually carved out some time to stop and do it. So here I am, sitting here staring at a blank page (screen). There's just one problem - I'm not sure what to write about. I've got nothing!
So I say to Kimmy, "I've got nothing." And she says, "So put that down... it's just writing."
Ha! Just writing? Easier said than done! But I'll do it just to humor her, so here goes:
I've got nothing.
(awkward pause)
I really think that's the hardest thing about writing - getting started. At least for me it is. It's as if I want to have a perfect picture of everything I want to say before I begin. No rough drafts aloud. Perfect form or nothing at all. And usually, it's the latter.
And I think to myself, "How hard can it be? Just start already! Surely you can think of something to say." But the pep talk doesn't work. Inspiration doesn't come on command. I wish it did. That would make life a lot easier.
There are a lot of things going on right now in my life. Kimmy and I are looking for a new house. I'm looking for a new job (sort of). We have a baby on the way. I've been in a spiritual crisis. And I really need to rake the leaves in my back yard... just to name a few. I sure could use some inspiration right now.
There is so much that needs to be done - so much that needs to be decided. And these are things that will not only affect me, but also my wife and kids. The problem is that I don't know where to start. I've got nothing! If I knew where to start, maybe I'd have something to run with. But I don't...
The thing about life is that you don't get the whole picture up front. You don't know if you're making the right choice. But you have to do something. You can't just sit there saying, "We'll see what happens." You have to move. You have to take risks. You just have to put something on the page.
When I was younger, I used to read those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books, where you read up to a certain point, and then depending on which action you choose, you turn to a different page. I sometimes cheated though, and looked at both outcomes before deciding which path to choose.
I guess it's in those moments in life where a lot is at stake - and you have to do something, but just don't know where to start - or feel inadequate to do what you know you have to do - that you lose the illusion of control. You're forced out of believing that you can shape the future or even know what's coming. But you have to move, so you do...
One time a rich young man came to Jesus with a question about eternal life. Jesus told him to sell all of this stuff, give it to the poor, and follow Him. And the man went away sad. I think he wanted to follow Jesus, but just couldn't let go. He was right there at the crossroads of eternal life, and even had the benefit of a direct word from the Son of God. But he just couldn't get started. He could not relinquish control...
Maybe those moments of tension and uncertainty are gifts from God. Maybe what we need more than anything is to realize that we are not as strong as we think we are. Maybe it is only when we realize that we have nothing that we can embrace a reckless trust in our Father that will sustain us when all around us becomes sinking sand.
So here I am looking at a blank page thinking, "I've got nothing..."
